


i love you. it's a fever dream.

by graydar



Series: dream series [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2010, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, M/M, University, some internalized homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:20:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29965593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graydar/pseuds/graydar
Summary: Dan is sitting half in his lap and Phil is wondering if he’s ever actually been this drunk in his life.(part one)
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: dream series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2204007
Comments: 12
Kudos: 92





	i love you. it's a fever dream.

Dan is sitting half in his lap and Phil is wondering if he’s ever actually been this drunk in his life. His boyfriend on his lap. At a party. With his friends. Well, “friends.” Dan wouldn’t call them friends. Dan would call them “the people he’s been forced to live with.” Phil thinks they’re nice. They remind him of his university friends a little bit. 

Not a lot. Like, they’re not exactly the same just because they’re Dan’s uni housemates and Manchester isn’t the same as York. Phil can’t not remember that because Dan won’t let him forget it. 

It doesn’t matter now, because this is the first time Phil’s seen him happy since coming to Manchester. Not counting the days where it’s just the two of them in Phil’s tiny flat. The days where Dan somehow is able to pretend none of his responsibilities exist and can spend six hours playing Crash Bandicoot with Phil on his tiny sofa. Phil wouldn’t give up those days for anything. But, the bad days are just as bad as the good days are good. 

Dan thought it would get better, and so did Phil. University is an adjustment and Phil thought the relief of being out of Wokingham would’ve been enough. 

Some days it’s hard not to think, shouldn’t he be enough? Shouldn’t the closeness that they craved for for almost a year be enough to outweigh all of the other things? Isn’t being with Phil enough for Dan to be happy? 

Phil can finally roll over on every Saturday morning and wrap his cold fingers around Dan’s too warm skin and pull him as close as he can. He can push his nose into Dan’s neck and press wet kisses there. He can murmur “I love you” and “I’m so glad you’re here” over and over again. He gets to see Dan almost everyday now. And as much as Dan tries not to just fully move into Phil’s flat altogether, Phil gets to wake up with Dan next to him more days than not. They don’t have to hide from anyone there. Dan can hold his hand while watching a film on the sofa, just because he wants to. They can shower together and Dan can make all the noises he wants during sex and make toast in his pants and Phil can watch him all the while, and no one can stop them. This is their life now. Together. Phil didn’t think anything could get in the way of it. 

Phil didn’t expect that he wouldn’t be strong enough to hold both of them up. 

It’s getting colder outside and Phil is afraid the euphoria of finally being together all of the time might start to wear off. That’s why he pushed Dan to come tonight.

-

“Let’s try a new thing! That’s what uni is about.” 

“They hate me. They think I’m weird.” 

“They don’t hate you. They just don’t know you yet.” 

Dan huffed and kicked his feet above him, hanging his head off the side of the sofa. “Yeah, and that’s usually around the time when people realize I am weird and they do hate me. Once they know me.” 

“I didn’t.” 

“Well, you’re… That’s different.” 

Phil wrapped a hand around Dan’s ankle and tugged. “Why’s it different? Because we’re soulmates?” 

He rolled his eyes. From this angle, it reminded Phil of something else. “No such thing.” 

“Danny, come on. You’ll never get to know them if you don’t try. And… I’m just worried...that - I don’t know.” 

Dan sat up. “What, Phil?” 

“I’m a little worried I’m ruining your uni experience.” 

“What? Why would you think that? You’re literally making my uni experience not fucking suck. You’re the reason I’m here.” 

Phil’s throat got tight then. 

Dan never fails to bring something out of him that he would have normally tried his hardest to keep hidden. It’s why the word “love” doesn’t feel cringe-worthy anymore. And why he’s jealous of the couples he sees on Facebook. He can’t stop wondering when it’ll stop feeling all consuming and Earth shattering. To be in love and to be loved in return. Fuck - it almost feels too full of himself to be thinking like that. And to never stop thinking like that. Because, really, Dan is all he thinks about. 

“I don’t want to be the reason you’re here,” Phil said, looking down at his lap. Dan’s eyes were too much. He couldn’t hide from them. Never can. 

“What’re you on bout mate?” 

“It’s just… this is your life and I want you to be here because you want to. I’m just a nice bonus, right? If you chose Manchester because of me, and you hate it, then I don’t know--” 

“I don’t give a fuck about being anywhere else Phil!” Dan blurted. “I don’t care about uni, not really. I can’t because I’m too busy being so fucking in love with you. Uni means I don’t have to rot in Wokingham for the rest of my stupid life. I got out. I get you. Uni is just, what you do. Right? Stop being all modest about why I’m here. You know why I’m here.” 

Phil couldn’t help but beam.

He still can’t believe his luck that this is his boyfriend. Sometimes he’ll look at himself in the mirror and try to imagine what other people see when they see that Dan is his, because it still doesn’t make all that much sense to him. That he gets to be this happy. 

Dan surged forward and captured Phil’s mouth with his then, always with the dramatics. Every kiss feels like a full stop on how Dan feels about him. Phil wants Dan to kiss him in the rain one day. Like it’s the end of a movie. That’s how it felt that evening when Dan kissed him. 

Phil pulled away an inch to say, “I love you.” 

“Does that mean we don’t have to go to the party?” 

Phil grinned and poked Dan in the side. Dan caught his finger in his hand and held it tightly, not letting Phil pull away. “It’ll be fun! We can get drunk and maybe I’ll give you a little surprise afterwards in your dorm.” 

“Using sex an incentive Lester? You sure you wanna go there?” 

Phil pulled back even more, frowning. “Not as an incentive. That sounds manipulative. I just think it might be nice. Get out of the house a little.” 

“My hall isn’t a nice place to go to ‘get out of the house.’ It feels like a literal prison,” Dan said, still holding onto Phil’s finger. He absentmindedly started playing with the rest of Phil’s hand, spreading out his palm and tracing the lines there. Phil held back a shiver. 

“One night. And if you still hate them--” 

“-if they still hate me.”

Phil tried not to roll his eyes and smirked instead. “Whatever. If it sucks, we can go back to your room and watch a movie and cuddle and then you can say you’ve slept in your room at least once this semester.” 

"Fine," Dan huffed. 

Phil rolled off the sofa and took the three steps to his bedroom from the lounge to start looking for something to wear. He threw his tshirt off and onto the floor with the rest of the pile he’s been meaning to sort through and started rifling through his wardrobe for something plaid that Dan doesn’t hate. 

The door squeaked open wider and Phil ignored it, assuming Dan’s come to do the same. 

Then there was a little cough, and Phil turned to face him. Dan was stood in the doorway, looking smaller and more nervous than he’s ever been when he’s just around Phil. 

He wouldn’t meet Phil’s eyes. “Um. Won’t that look weird?” 

“What?” Phil’s brain felt like it had short circuited in the time between kissing Dan on the sofa a moment ago and standing in the weird tension between them now. 

“If you… stay over. In my room.” 

Phil felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Not by Dan. By the realization. He hadn’t even been thinking about that. The past few months it’s just felt… so normal to not have to. 

“Oh.” 

“Sorry.” 

“Well, I guess I can come back here tonight.” 

Dan’s face changed then. “No!” 

“No?” 

Dan shaked his head. 

“Then…” 

“I guess we’ll be drunk and you shouldn’t go home alone? That's a good enough excuse.” 

“Maybe everyone else will be too drunk to notice?” 

“Yeah. Yeah.” 

“Yeah.” They nodded at each other, like it would all be fine and like Dan wasn’t absolutely shitting bricks like Phil knew he was. 

Phil turned back to his wardrobe. There was shuffling behind him and the sound of Dan sitting on the bed. A drawer opening and closing. Then, once Phil started buttoning his shirt, Dan made another noise. A quiet groan in the back of his throat that Phil almost completely missed. 

“Dan?” 

“Hmm?” Dan looked up, an innocent look in his eyes. Like he thought Phil might not notice. 

“Is there anything else you’re worried about?” Phil’s fingers fumbled on a few of the buttons. 

“Um. Yeah. So.” He played with his fringe, stalling. “What do I call you?” 

“To who?” 

“My housemates.”

“What you always call me. Your friend.” 

“Best friend.”

“Yeah. Course. Why are you- do you want to call me something else?” 

Dan huffed and rubbed his hands over his face. Phil didn’t realize this had really been bothering him this much. Maybe he’d been a little too focused on his own weird guilt about Dan not enjoying his time at uni. Maybe he’d been making it too much about himself, and hadn't been focusing enough on Dan right in front of him. 

“I just- Fuck. Sometimes I hate it. Like, I hate not getting to show you off and say the word ‘boyfriend’ out loud and hold your hand in public. I hate that it’s something I even need to be worried about!” 

Phil felt himself blush just hearing about Dan wanting to show him off, like he’s actually something to show off. He’s so fucking charmed by him. 

He cleared his throat, refocusing. “Why are you worried? You don’t have to be.” 

“Of course I do, Phil.” 

“I know, but--”

“This isn’t York.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say.” Dan looked at him and shut his mouth. “I was going to say that, you don’t even know that it would be a problem, right? You barely know your housemates.” 

“I know Emma.” 

“Okay, has she ever made it seem like she wouldn’t be cool with you?” 

“It hasn’t really come up. And, there’s like a bunch of guys that….” 

Phil frowned. “Has something happened, Dan?” 

Dan immediately started shaking his head. “No, I swear. I would’ve told you.” 

“Yeah. Please. I don’t want you dealing with that on your own.” 

“You’d fight for my honor?” Dan joked, throwing on a smile to mask all the hidden anxiety. Phil knows him too well for that. 

He forced a smile anyway. “Course I would. You’ll have to give a nice speech at my funeral.” 

“Hey! No, you’re not dying in this scenario.” 

“Okay, okay. What about these guys though?” 

Dan went quiet. He shrugged. “They’re lads. They seem like.. like…” 

“Like the guys from secondary school?” 

Dan shrugged again and looked down at his feet. His face returned to blank and unreadable. Phil couldn’t keep up. 

“You don’t have to put up with that. Those things aren’t allowed, especially in the halls. You can report things. I’ll help you. You get to be safe, Dan,” Phil said, wrapping his hand around Dan’s wrist and slipping his fingers in the gaps between Dan's fingers and squeezing. 

Dan squeezed back. “You’re the best.” 

“So tonight we’re best friends. And the rest is just for us.” 

Dan cracked a small smile and finally met Phil’s eyes. He squeezed his hand again and pressed a small kiss to Phil’s lips. “Yeah.” And it still felt like the end of a movie. 

-

Phil really is quite drunk, but Dan’s leg thrown over his is enough to bring him past any sober part of him that's left. It’d be fucking lovely, if he wasn’t so worried about Dan. 

The room smells like smoke and the alcohol Phil can smell on Dan’s breath. They’re that close. Dan’s got his head rolled back on Phil’s shoulder. Phil can’t tell if he’s still awake. He can just see down the point of Dan’s nose from this angle. He’d kiss it, if they were alone. 

The room is filled with students, all sloshed in some way or another. Phil feels too old to be here. And a little bit like a poser. A few guys throughout the night have asked him what he’s studying. It’s easier to say linguistics than to explain that he’s actually too old to be here. Dan stopped introducing him to people once it was apparent that not only his housemates would be at this party. 

He said a “bunch of randos” didn’t need to worry about who Phil is or what he is to Dan. 

There’s music coming from somewhere, the end credits of a movie that played in the background the entire time they’ve been here. Like someone thought they’d all have the wherewithal to pay attention. It was something pretentious, like American Graffiti, and Phil wondered if Manchester has a film study. Those are the only kids from York Phil knew that would force a group of drunk students to watch an “underrated classic.” 

The credits still roll on the tv somewhere in the corner of the common room. That’s all Phil can really make out in between the voices all around him. 

It’s late and a few people have started shuffling out to go to bed. Phil’s been people watching since Dan went quiet. Boys and girls trying to discreetly take each other back to their rooms, like anyone actually cares that they’re definitely having sex. Phil doesn’t remember anyone’s face or name from the ten minutes of peace he had when he was introduced to Dan’s housemates before the drinking started. 

They’ve been side by side the entire night. And as they both got progressively more drunk, too went Dan’s inhibitions and worries from earlier in the night. 

He wouldn’t stop touching Phil, and Phil didn’t have enough self control to stop him. 

He doesn’t think anyone will care, he doesn’t think anyone will think anything of it. And if they do, it’s really none of their business. He knows Dan cares. That’s the only reason it threw him off when Dan handed him the same bottle of Malibu to drink out of. 

Those little sirens went off in his head that he’s spent so many years shutting down. The ones that tell him it’s gay and wrong to put his mouth where Dan’s had just been. But then he remembered where else his and Dan’s mouths have been, and he reminded himself how much he fucking loves being gay, and he took a swig from the bottle. 

It started with Dan’s leg pressed up against his from where they’re stretched out on the floor. Then it was Phil’s arm thrown around Dan’s shoulders and his best go at making it look like a casual gesture rather than a clingy one. Then Dan had scooted his leg closer and closer until he had no choice but to lay it on top of Phil’s. And as everything had grown quieter, Dan’s head found its way to Phil’s shoulder. 

No one paid them any real attention. A few of Dan’s housemates had wandered over to their little corner for a few minutes to say hi and ask Dan about his classes. 

Phil felt this tug in his gut, like he needed to point it out to Dan, “See? No one cares.” But he knows that’s not really what it’s about. As much as he knows he’ll never fully understand what Dan went through, he thinks he probably gets it more than anyone else. 

He thinks maybe tonight will help a little bit. But at the end of the day, what they have will always be theirs. If Dan never wants anyone else to know ever, Phil will support that. He doesn’t need the world to know that he’s in love. He doesn't need everyone else to see it to know that it’s real. 

-

Just a few weeks before Dan had moved to Manchester, Phil’s mum had called him to check in. They’re usual Sunday night phone calls always went longer than expected, stuck gossiping about Eastenders and all that his mum had got up to that week. She gets up to a lot more than Phil does, and he tries not to feel too ashamed about it. 

Making a video once a week doesn’t check that productive mark, at least not for his mum. He had a few meetings in London coming up, so he used that as an excuse not to feel so bad about himself. 

“So is Dan all set for move in?” It’s not unusual for her to ask about Dan every so often, especially when they have something planned. Phil’s glad that his mum is so fond of his boyfriend, although he’s not too keen on Dan becoming more of her favorite than he is. 

“Mhm,” he said, nodding to the empty room. 

“Are his parents coming up with him?”

“Oh, I don’t think so. Doesn’t really make sense for them to take the train journey just to go back in the same day.” 

“Oh, sure. Just a shame not to see him off, isn’t it?” 

“It’s not really the same with his parents, mum. You know that.” 

She was quiet for a long moment. And then, “If he needs a hand with anything, let him know we’re perfectly capable of taking the drive down to help out.”

Phil couldn’t help but smile. He loves his parents so much. “Thanks, mum. I’ll let you know.”

“Please tell him that. Don’t forget.” 

“I won’t.” 

“Do his parents…?” She trailed off and Phil wondered if they got disconnected. 

“Mum?” 

“I’m here. Er, just wondering if Dan’s parents… do they--”

“What, mum? Do they know about us? You know they don’t.” He found himself a little annoyed at how awkward she is around talking about his and Dan’s relationship. Both of his parents are always trying to be the most polite about the subject, but Phil wishes they wouldn’t always dance around it. 

“Well, I thought maybe that would change since he’s moving out.”

Phil’s throat felt tight. “No. I don’t think he’s thinking of telling them any time soon.” 

His mum sighed on the other line. “Oh, Phil. That must be hard.” 

“It sucks.” 

“Hard on both of you.” 

“I don’t really care. I mean, I care because it’s hard for Dan, but it doesn’t really affect me.” 

“Well, sure it does.” 

“Not really.” Phil’s phone buzzed with a text from Dan, so he put his mum on speaker and replied to the message at the same time, trying to listen. He’s not very good at multitasking. 

“Isn’t it hard for you? Keeping it a secret? When almost everyone knows about you.” 

“Just because I’m out doesn’t mean that Dan has to be, mum.” 

“Oh, I know. I just wish you didn’t have to hide all of the time.” Phil wanted to defend Dan and their decision to keep things private, but he knew his mum was just thinking of what would be best for the both of them. She’s a mum, and she wants to protect him. He already knew she wouldn’t fully understand this and he tried to be patient with her. 

“It’s worth it, actually. To have him.” 

She was quiet then, thinking it over maybe. Phil always started to miss her a little bit more on these phone calls, when he couldn’t see her face and try to discern what she’s thinking. He’s left to make it up in his head, which sometimes only has him thinking the worst. 

“I hope Dan knows he doesn’t need to hide around us.” 

Phil’s throat went tight once again, and if he wasn’t so keen on hanging up so that he could call Dan back, he might have been tempted to lean into that feeling. Maybe cry a little about how unfair the world has been to Dan, how unfair it is that Phil got such great parents while Dan’s stuck trying to run from his. 

“He knows. Thanks, mum.” 

“And Phil? Make sure he actually spends some time on campus.” 

The tone in her voice caught Phil off guard. “What d’you mean?” 

“I mean, I know you two are fond of each other, but Dan deserves as much of a uni experience as you did.” 

“I know that.” 

“Okay, Phil. I’m just reminding you. You boys have a way of forgetting the time when you’re together. Don’t want him to miss out.” 

“I don’t want that either. Course I don’t.” Except Phil hadn’t really thought about it at all, until that moment. He’d been too busy dreaming about what it would be like to have Dan all to himself all the time. 

-

A girl sits on the floor in front of them, her legs crossed on top of each other. Very bendy, Phil thinks.

She looks familiar but also everything feels a little blurry now. Phil can’t place her face or her name. Luckily, she’s wearing a little gold necklace that says Emma in confusing cursive. Phil remembers. Right - Emma. The one Dan actually doesn’t hate. Or doesn’t hate him. 

No one here seems to hate Dan. Phil hasn’t had to fight for him at all. And maybe it’s his jealous streak, but he genuinely thinks he’s seen more people checking Dan out than giving him the evil eye. 

Emma’s smiling at him and gripping the toe of Dan’s shoe. He wishes she wouldn’t touch him at all. It’s a friendly touch, but still. 

“Emma?” Phil slurs. He feels a lot less drunk when he goes to talk. And yet, he hadn’t really meant to say anything at all. This girl is weird though, sitting there and smiling at them for no apparent reason. 

“Phil, right?” She doesn’t really sound drunk. Just kind of, bubbly and sweet. She sounds like how a lot of the alcohol Phil had drunk tonight tasted. Weird - to sound and taste like the same thing. He doesn’t want to think about how she’d taste - Ew. 

Fuck, he’s drunk. 

He nods. “Phil. Yep.” He points at Dan. “Dan.” 

She nods and giggles. “Yeah, I know Dan. And we met earlier.” 

“Oh yeah!” Phil says, a little too loudly. His eyes go wide. “Oops! Shh. Dan’s asleep.” 

Emma nods and presses a finger to her lips. “Right. Are you staying over?” 

The question catches Phil and he wonders if it’s a trap. It shouldn’t be, but his brain’s a little too fogged over for him to really tell. 

He nods. “Don’t wanna go all the way home.” Another excuse ready if she questions him. 

She grins. It’s nice and so is her face and Phil can’t help but trust it, so he does. “You need help getting him back to his room?” 

The two of them hawl Dan upright and keep him propped up in between them as Dan, half-awake now, drags his feet back to his room. Emma leads the way as Phil wouldn’t know how to get back to Dan’s room even if he was sober. His stupid caveman brain wonders why Emma knows the way so well and that jealousy spikes again, but then he reminds himself that Dan and Emma are friends and live in the same hall and it makes sense for her to know the way to Dan’s room. 

Dan collapses on the bed as soon as they’re in the door, leaving Phil and Emma awkwardly standing in the doorway. Like, not sure how to end this. 

She gives him a polite smile, and Phil does his best to return it. She glances between them for a second and fear rears up in Phil’s stomach. Like maybe he’s trapped and there’s no way to lie about what’s happening here between him and Dan. 

Phil giggles, which is all he does when he’s drunk. “I’ll crash in the chair,” he says. 

It’s a horrible lie, but Emma just keeps smiling and says, “Have a goodnight,” and closes the door behind her as she goes, finally leaving them alone. 

And Dan is already snoring. His face is smushed into the side of the mattress, feet hanging off the end. He looks like a mess, objectively. Phil couldn’t be more in love with this mess, though. 

He feels horribly domestic while unlacing Dan’s shoes and unbuckling his belt to take off his trousers. He leaves his tshirt on and moves his legs so he’s tucked under the covers. Dan stays asleep, making little huffs and groans as Phil contorts his body to make room for the both of them on the tiny single bed. 

Phil climbs in behind Dan, fitting himself between Dan and the wall. He tucks his knees behind Dan’s and wraps his arms around Dan’s waist and pulls him close. Dan sighs, content. Phil kisses the back of his head. He’s so, so warm. 

Someone laughs loudly outside in the hallway and Phil tightens his grip on Dan. The alcohol starts to settle into his bones and he melts into the mattress, taking Dan with him. 

He feels safe. He feels cocooned in Dan’s duvet and cozy tucked so close together. There’s really nowhere else he’d rather be. 

“Phil?” Dan’s voice is quiet and hoarse. 

“Hm?” 

“Do you think she knows? Emma?” 

Phil’s heart clenches at the fear in Dan’s voice. “No, love. Don’t worry. Sleep now.” He presses another kiss to the back of his head, hidden in his hair. He smells like home. 

Dan mumbles, “Love you, Phil.” 

“Love you too, Danny.”

**Author's Note:**

> i fucked with tense in this so please don't come for me if there are mistakes 
> 
> thanks for reading! catch me on my mess of a blog @graydar on tumblr :)


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